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                 20 reasons Women lose Sexual Interest in Marriage


Developing the wife and mother role whilst ignoring the lover:

A lot of women begin their marriages with great intentions of being a good wife and a good mother, often ignoring the fact that they should also be a good lover to their husbands. Even in the act of intimacy the theory of ‘nature versus nurture’ applies.

Sex is a natural human need but relying merely on desire does not necessarily grant couples the heights of its fulfilments. Indeed there is still a need for skills, improvement and development, which is the nurture side of things and improves over time. Many wives lose sexual attraction in marriage for this reason, which can prove detrimental.  

Lack of creativity:

A lack of creativity in the bedroom can make the whole act of lovemaking boring. This mirrors the economics concept ‘the law of diminishing returns.’ By doing the same thing all the time, couples reduce the value and quality of the act of lovemaking and through that intimacy can be lost.

There have been many misconceptions about creativity in lovemaking. Many women read books, watch documentaries or go to female conferences where they are given ideas on how to spice up their sex lives. However, when they try to apply these ideas into their marriage it can lead to disappointment and frustration. The reason for this is that creativity cannot be taught. Every couple is unique and whilst hearing other people’s suggestions can be helpful, they have to find out what works for them and not rely solely on the opinions of others. Creativity has to be utilised by couples and should be a continual and deliberate act throughout a marriage. It plays an essential role in igniting the fire of sexual intimacy and should not be undervalued.


Lack of appreciation:

Some wives tend to overlook the act of love making; they feel it’s not important and as a result they start showing less interest in their partner. When it is time for copulation they behave as if it is a chore to them and such a mindset really does not help!

The difference between wives who enjoy and those who do not enjoy lovemaking is the mindset. If a woman values and cherishes the act then it becomes pleasurable and relaxing. If she dreads and demeans it then it becomes laborious. Appreciation for sexual intimacy is imperative in marriage. Unlike men, women can easily take sex for granted which does affect its quality. Whilst I understand that wives can lose interest in some circumstances, marriage and sex go hand in hand and sex should be enjoyed even in the midst of a marital crisis. On a lighter note, for woman that feel pressures with the demand of sex, note it is not loading a truck full of grains, it is a precious sharing moment created for husbands and wives.


Child bearing and childcare:

Some women are so preoccupied with caring for their kids that sex becomes the last thing on their mind.

It is very important to emphasize that bringing up children can be hard work and, undoubtedly, fatigue comes along with it. Children, however have their own place and husbands have their place too. Wives need to share their time appropriately in order to live a balanced, contented and happy life.


An unsupportive husband:

Some men do not understand that the act of love making comes as a package for women. They need to feel loved and cared for in order to desire a man. Let’s assume a woman is married to a man who is not supportive, unhelpful with the kids, not breadwinning, unhelpful with domestic chores and unaffectionate. This can make a women lose sexual desire for him. If a husband is unsupportive and leaves the wife to do everything she becomes exhausted and when women are exhausted they lose their sexual appetite.

A wife should explain to her husband how important his support is; a supportive husband’s reward is a loving and contented wife. Women should understand that not every man adheres to this aspect so in these cases women should try and manage their time to get enough rest as possible.


Crisis in the home:

A crisis in the home is a very big issue that affects everyone, including the man. When there are constant quarrels, fights and anger couples can begin to resent each other. The last thing they want to do is to make love because they see each other as irritations. If crisis in the home becomes a usual and permanent event couples will lose sexual desire for each other.

Conflicts and conflict resolutions are the way forward in solving a marital crisis. Carrying over problems do not help the marriage and there are many ways that couples can resolve issues. The most effective method is through sexual intercourse and maintaining an intimate connection. If couples deny themselves they could end up prolonging the crisis, allowing for further negativity. Forgiveness is the bedrock of successful marriages.


Health conditions and medication:

There are health issues and medications that can make women lose sexual interest. Ailments such as diabetes, fibroids, endometriosis and depression. Medications including antidepressants, blood pressure tablets and oral contraceptives can impact a woman’s sexual drive both mentally and physically.

Many women do not really know the effect of some health issues or medications on their sex lives. It is important that when someone has been diagnosed with a condition they seek professional help and information to know more about the ailment and if it affects their sex lives. Women should also talk to their husbands about their loss of libido as couples need each other in times of distress to overcome trying times.


Not achieving orgasm:

A lot of women find sex boring and tiring; maybe because they have not experienced the height of ecstasy that orgasm can bring. It is true that many women go through the act of lovemaking without reaching orgasm as often as they want to, which leads to frustration. Most women who have perfected the act of reaching their peak are excited about lovemaking.

Women’s biological makeup is different from that of men. Whilst men can get to their peak in almost every intimate session, women on the other hand do not have such luxury. They are various reasons why women can’t reach orgasm, i.e. lack of foreplay, quick ejaculation, unromantic husband, fatigue, etc. Couples need to understand each others bodies and women need to tell their husbands what they want during the act. Communication is very important and the willingness to work together is also key. Often some level of education or professional advice is required to help couples in this area. Essentially, when a woman can achieve orgasm she will no longer see sex as burdensome but will look forward to every bit of it.


Over activities:

Women who are involved in too many activities can lose sexual interest for many reasons. (1) When women are too busy they are too focused on what they are doing and other aspects can suffer. Unlike men they can multitask in that area. (2) Over activity can leave you tired and suffering from fatigue which can make a wife reluctant about lovemaking (3) Over activity contributes to mental and physical stress. When a woman is feeling stressed she feels uncomfortable and uninspired during lovemaking, which leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.

One cannot stop over emphasizing the word REST, because it plays a big role in a couple’s sex life. Sex and exhaustion are not friends and wives should learn to cut down on over activities in order to fulfil their sexual duties. Working hard is very good, but there is time for rest.


Unhealthy diet and lack of exercise:

It is essential to eat healthily because our bodies reflect what we eat. A lot of women eat junk food and ignore dishes rich in fruit and vegetables. A poor diet can lead to lack of sexual interest and exercise is very important for our health and strengthens our immune system.

Lack of exercise makes couples lazy and inactive. Sexual activity is an active act not a passive act. It is physically and mentally stimulating and research has shown that there are some foods that can increase one’s libido (watermelon, asparagus, avocados, chilies, garlic, figs, and celery, cocoa or chocolate and pumpkin seed.) A healthy diet can enhance a couple’s sex life, which will help to maximize their passion and pleasure.


Unromantic husband:

Some husbands are just not romantic and that does not help at all.

A woman wants a man that can express love and affection. For a woman the act of love making doesn’t just start in the bedroom, but on how the man appreciates her. If a man is not displaying affection in any way it can leave the woman disinterested in the whole act. Women want more than just sex, they want appreciation and affection. Wives should encourage their husbands towards developing a romantic relationship. Sometimes men need to be reminded to slow down and give their wife a treat.


Un-education:

A lot of women lose sexual interest in marriage as a result of lack of education. Most women do not read up on how to spice up lovemaking with their spouse, they assume it comes naturally without realizing that knowledge put to use is power.

Education is very important as one never out grows learning. Reading books or watching educational documentaries is a good way of learning and gaining knowledge in enhancing intimacy between couples.


Female circumcision:

This article is not written to put down anyone’s culture and indeed some cultures do practice female circumcision. Research has shown that this act can massively affect the pleasure of love making and most women who have undergone this procedure confess to not feeling any kind of stimulation during sex.

The reason why women that have been circumcised cannot find enjoyment in love making is very simple, their clitoris (a part of their vulva) has been partially or totally removed. The clitoris is the human female’s most sensitive erogenous zone and the primary source of female sexual pleasure. For woman who feel unhappy about the effect of circumcision on their love life there are some tips that can help. They can have reconstructive surgery, which has proven to be successful. For those that do not have the means to do this, letting your imagination run wild during the act can actually bring some kind of fulfilment. Seeking professional help such as therapy can help the woman to cope with the issue. However some women are moving on with their lives and do not see their circumcision has an obstruction in anyway; but for women that do feel the effect, learning to move on and making the most of the options available to them is helpful.


Traumatic sexual experience:

A traumatic experience can leave a bitter feeling for a lifetime. Whilst sex can be a pleasurable act, when it is done in the most horrific way it can be haunting, i.e. rape, sexual abuse, unpleasant first time etc. Such issues and experiences can haunt individuals and disturb the act of intimacy for the future.

Some women are traumatized and as a result they find it difficult to enjoy love making. Discussing their fears with their husbands can be a big step. If it is possible to take legal action against the offender then do. That can give some form of closure, yet many will still need some professional or spiritual help in overcoming the hurt.


Biological changes:

Changes in the body like menopause, pregnancy, postnatal changes, menstrual cycle etc. can actually affect a woman sex life.

The female body is very complex and the reasons why biological changes can affect a woman’s sex life are numerous i.e. changes in the hormonal system, vaginal dryness, mood swings, body aches etc. The good news is that biological changes can last for only a period of time and generally normality reoccurs when the body is back to form. Worrying and anxiety can make symptoms worst. Learning to relax and take things easy will help. Wives can discuss their fears with their husbands and if symptoms are prolonged she can visit a gynaecologist for medical advice.


Lack of rest and relaxation:

The act of intimacy is more than just a sharing time between a husband and wife. It can also be seen as a relaxation therapy.

There have been instances where people have referred to a miserable, angry woman as a “sexual frustrated woman.” This adage might sound harsh, but research has found that couples who are lacking in their sex life are usually stressed, unforgiving and aggrieved towards each other. Whereas couples who are sexually active are more likely to be happy and healthy. It can lead to a wonderful experience when couples can understand the essence and advantages of love making.

No emotional connection:

Some women married their husbands and did not actually fall in love with him. They married as a result of circumstances. Others, after years of a turbulent marriage fall out of love. Such cases lead to little or no emotional connection. Women who do not feel any connection find it extremely difficult to have or enjoy love making.

Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage, commitment is greater. It goes beyond emotional feelings and women are emotional beings so they perceive things from the emotional point of view, including their sex lives. Unlike men that can engage in sex with or without love, women require the closeness of emotional connection. Basing one’s feelings purely on emotions can be dangerous because our emotions are not always reliable. If couples can decide to improve their marriage then they can and should try improve on the quality of their love making.


Not praying together:

You might be asking what has prayers got to do with intimacy between couples. The answer is, A LOT! Couples that pray together stay together.

Sex is not just a physical act, it is also spiritual. That is why some couples call each other soul mates. God designed sex mainly for marriage purposes and it is his desire that a man and his wife would have an enjoyable intimate experience. Marriage can come with its own challenges that can affect the tranquility of a home, including sex. That is why couples need to pray together and stay strong in times of storms, until they get to the light at the end of the tunnel.


Too regular, or too little:

One rule of life is that too much of everything is bad and that can apply to sex in marriage too. Similarly, not having enough sex can be equally bad so couples needs to find a balance to create a healthy intimacy between them.

Indeed, couples have no limit to how much they want to enjoy sexual intimacy together, but it is always good to create a balance in this area. Too little can lead to sexual temptations outside the marriage and too much can lead to monotony. Couples must learn to keep intimacy exciting and fresh. Taking breaks and coming together again has proven to be very effective. For couples who experience too less, finding out what is causing the barrier and willingness to deal with the situation can restore a healthy sexual life.


Spirit Husband:

Many people may not agree with this concept, but there have been one too many case studies for it to be ignored. Some women claim to have the issue of strange men visiting them either in their dreams or in a subconscious state and having sexual intercourse with them. These men are called ‘spirit husbands’ and the mysterious thing is that after a series of these experiences these women begin to find their spouses so sexually unattractive that it causes serious conflicts in the home and can ultimately lead to divorce.

I believe that these cases are purely spiritual and thus can only be dealt with spiritually. Some women do find this situation really distressing. I will personally vouch that all hope is not lost because in the name of Jesus every knee shall bow. Woman experiencing this should go to a bible believing church and go through a time of counselling and deliverance. I say this from knowing so many women who have testified that this has been the only way that has brought about total solutions.



Written by Queen Ekuerhare


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